- Confusing a lack of boundaries with being selfless and loving.
- Measuring our worth or other people’s worth by earthly standards.
- Confusing qualities with virtues.
- Confusing self-deprecation and low self-esteem with humility.
- Actions matter more than thoughts.
- Rejecting blessings because we feel unworthy.
- Focusing on big acts instead of small acts.
- The Christian Life is Full of Earthly Blessings.
Confusing Lack of Boundaries with Being Selfless and Loving
Guard your heart with all possible vigilance, for from it flow the wellsprings of life.”
Proverbs 4:23
Do not give to dogs anything that is holy. And do not cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet and then proceed to tear you to pieces.”
Matthew 7:6
If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your message, shake the dust from your feet as you leave that house or town.”
Matthew 10:14
Many well-intentioned people who want to honor Our Lord, can make the mistake of not setting appropriate boundaries in their interpersonal relationships because they think that doing so is selfish or unloving. There is a risk of becoming co-dependent and enabling toxic patterns when we don’t set boundaries in the name of distorted “selflessness”. Just because Our Lord tells us that we should love and pray for our enemies (Matthew 5:44), doesn’t mean that we need to befriend them, and give them the most valuable parts of ourselves, such as our presence or excessive attention. Our enemies are not just the people whom we openly identify as such, but they could be those closest to us who don’t respect our boundaries, are not considerate towards us when we are good to them, take advantage of our good intentions and efforts, or lead us away from God. On the other hand, not setting boundaries doesn’t necessarily make us the victims either, as it is still our choice and we just need to become wiser in this regard. Being co-dependent is not truly selfless or loving, as we might even be enabling others to commit greater sins against God, and to harm us and possibly harm themselves. Learning to set healthy boundaries is a way of honoring and loving God, ourselves, and others. Setting healthy boundaries is ultimately an act of charity.
We are called to love everyone as a reflection of the love of God and as an imitation of Christ. However, the Bible also warns us to guard our hearts, save our most valuable and sacred parts from those who don’t value them, and even leave behind a person who won’t cooperate in maintaining a harmonious and Christian-centered relationship with us. This doesn’t mean we will walk away angry or wishing ill towards others. No, we should set healthy Christian boundaries while at the same time forgiving when we let go, and praying for the conversion and spiritual well-being of those who harm us so that they can grow closer to God.
Even in the case of two good Christian people, who respect and honor God and each other, it is okay to set boundaries if the personalities are two different and simply don’t share much in common to invest hours into a friendship. It is okay to be selective, just as Christ was selective when he chose 12 apostles rather than 1000 apostles. This doesn’t mean we are excluding others or pushing them away, we should be kind, respectful, and even approachable, while at the same time being aware of our limited time and energy resources and setting boundaries to allocate our resources in a manner that is the most fruitful.
So Abram said to Lot, ‘Let’s not have any quarreling between you and me, or between your herders and mine, for we are close relatives. 9 Is not the whole land before you? Let’s part company. If you go to the left, I’ll go to the right; if you go to the right, I’ll go to the left.'”
Genesis 13:8-9
Measuring Our Worth or Other People’s Worth by Earthly Standards
Is this not the carpenter’s son? Is not his mother called Mary? Are not James and Joseph and Simon and Judas his brethren?”
Matthew 13:55
It is easy to get seduced by earthly honors and man-made institutions. It isn’t bad in itself to go to an elite university, be born into royalty, or become a world-renowned expert, but it doesn’t always show us the full picture.
Different people have different motivations and are born into different environments and opportunities. The smartest person might not always choose a path that leads to world success but might choose a quiet and uneventful life that focuses more on other areas of life. The potentially best athlete might have been born in such extreme poverty and grown up so malnourished that he never had a chance to shine. The potentially best philosopher might have died as a child. Perhaps, God has even saved some of the most talented people for Himself, and they live seemingly simple lives that are completely dedicated to God and service to their neighbors.
Yet, we often get blinded by people who have earthly success. It’s important to notice that this earthly success, is usually not impressive to God at all and that with great earthly success comes great responsibility. When people use their earthly achievements wisely, it can be for the glory of God, but that’s not always the case.
Pilate then said to him, ‘Are you refusing to speak to me? Do you not realize that I have the power to release you and the power to crucify you?’ 11 Jesus answered him, ‘You would have no authority over me at all unless it had been given to you from above. Therefore, the one who handed me over to you is guilty of a greater sin.'”
John 19:10-11
This is not a way to minimize the efforts or achievements of many, but instead, a call to always keep our focus on God and His definition of success, which lasts for eternity rather than a mortal life span. It’s an invitation to use God’s definition of success as our real guide in life to make wise decisions for the good of others and ourselves, to use our talents in the best way possible to glorify God and to learn to see the value in ourselves and others according to whom they truly are rather than what they have accomplished from a worldly point of view. If someone is successful from God’s perspective and also achieves worldly success due to their effort, discipline, and hard work, that is great. However, someone who appears to be a loser by the world’s standards could in reality be called to be one of the most important people in Heaven, which surpasses any earthly honors.
Amen, I say to you, among those born of women, no one has been greater than John the Baptist, and yet the least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he.”
Matthew 11:11
Rather, seek the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”
Matthew 6:33
Our relationship with God and what we save for eternity is ultimately what truly matters. Success in the eyes of God has to do more with how much virtue our soul has cultivated (love, faith, hope, wisdom, fortitude, justice, temperance). We can’t fool God like other humans, for He knows exactly the intentions of all of our actions, He knows if we possess true humility, if we truly repent when we do wrong, if do our best even if it appears to be very little for others, if we are committed to living an honest life, and if we fully give all the credit to our success to Him or if we attribute it to ourselves. He knows if our motivations to achieve worldly success are selfish or driven by love.
All those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and all those who humble themselves will be exalted.”
Matthew 23:12
Confusing Qualities with Virtues
We tend to classify things as either good or bad, but often our criteria are based on secular ideals.
Who wouldn’t want a spouse who is physically beautiful, intelligent, with a great job, financially successful, funny, educated, and who dresses well? These are things that we would all classify as good, but it’s not that simple. These earthly qualities are only good when paired with divine virtues.
We can think of qualities as gems, as something you adorn yourself with. In the case of the qualities listed above, they can adorn our souls while we are on this earthly journey. However, these gems don’t reveal who we are at our core.
Someone could possess all of the qualities just listed, yet, lack true virtue: charity, faith, hope, prudence, justice, fortitude, and temperance. Don’t believe me? There was once an angel full of qualities such as perfect angelical beauty, intelligence, imposing presence, and more. Many angels were so mesmerized with this angel’s power and beauty, that they followed him into an abyss, and rejected God for his sake. This angel, now a demon, had been adorned with beautiful qualities, but his lack of virtue was the root of his pride and the cause of his fall.
Think about it, the Archangel St. Gabriel greeted the Blessed Virgin Mary as “full of grace”, not “full of qualities”, because she is full of virtue. It was her virtues that made her beautiful in God’s eyes to the point of choosing her to be the Mother of God (the Mother of Our Lord Jesus Christ).
It is very important that in life we learn to distinguish between what is truly, divinely good, and what the world considers good (in the best case scenario, the world considers good some attractive qualities, but in the worst case, it will consider good things that go against God and divine order, things that are bad and evil). When we learn this, we will become wiser and learn to make better choices and put our energy into what truly matters. Also, we won’t be deceived as easily by attractive qualities on their own, but instead, we will be able to see beyond these qualities into someone’s true essence and beauty, just like we would be able to truly see someone’s real beauty or ugliness after removing layers of make-up, jewelry, fancy dresses, and see the real person.
Confusing Self-Deprecation and Low Self-Esteem with Humility
Humility is to see ourselves in the light of the Truth of God. It is not only an antidote against pride but also against low self-esteem.
You see, the humble person is the ultimate confident person. There is no pretension, no need to impress another creature or to hide his or her weaknesses. The humble person acknowledges and takes accountability for his or her errors, with compassion, with trust in God to be transfigured. The humble person knows that he or she is like a child who depends on God for everything, yet, takes responsibility and does his or her part by praying, cultivating good thoughts, learning from mistakes, having patience, and being aware that ultimately he or she completely depends on God’s grace to do any good.
Low self-esteem, like pride, can be driven by being hyperfocused on ourselves, while humility is driven by being hyperfocused on God. Low self-esteem can be the root of negative thoughts that make us believe that we are worthless, that we can do no good, that we will always fail, that we don’t deserve anything good, and these are lies from our spiritual enemies that can mislead us away from God, and push us further into misery. On the other hand, humility reminds us that even though we are nothing next to God, our worth is measured by the Most Precious Blood of Christ (1 Peter 1:18-19), who has died for each one of us if we accept this gift of unconditional love (John 15:13); it reminds us that although we can’t do good on our own (John 15:4-5), we can choose to do good by allowing God to work through us (Philippians 4:13); it teaches us that when we fail, God can perfect His power in our weaknesses (2 Corinthians 12:9); and humility not only lead us closer to God but it attracts God towards us too! (Daniel 10:12).
Actions Matter More Than Thoughts
But I say to you that anyone who looks with lust at a woman has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
Matthew 5:28
In the material world, we only see actions and they are our reality. However, in the spiritual world, thoughts are equivalent to actions. Many times we focus a lot on our actions because others will see them, but don’t control our thoughts. But you can’t fool God that way, for He knows truly our intentions and why we do things. If we only do good actions because others will see them, or avoid bad actions because we intellectually understand the bad personal consequences they would have on our lives, then we aren’t truly good people at heart.
Goodness starts from within, with our thoughts. If we don’t cheat only because of the problems it would cause for us but would do it if we could, then we are cheaters at heart. But if on the other hand, we don’t cheat because we find it awful, because we truly love and respect the people around us, and we want to truly honor God, then we are living in the Truth of God. When our thoughts and actions align, then we are living a genuine life. And if our thoughts and actions are good, then we are living a genuinely good life.
Rejecting Blessings Because We Feel Unworthy
Peter said to him, “You shall never wash my feet.” Jesus replied, “Unless I wash you, you will have no share with me.” 9 Simon Peter said to him, “Lord, then wash not only my feet, but also my hands and my head.”
John 13:8-9
Many times we might feel saddened, and think that we don’t deserve anything good. We should not be afraid to allow good things into our lives when God sends them to us. Instead, we should embrace any gifts with thanks and appreciation. Life is hard enough sometimes, for us to sabotage ourselves by rejecting whatever good we do get.
Focusing on Big Acts Instead of Small Acts
But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a few cents. Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, ‘Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. 44 They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on.'”
Mark 12:42-44
We often hear of heroes, of saints who have done incredible acts of courage and sacrifice, and we may feel exhausted, inadequate, and unable to give much at all. God knows our hearts, the difficulties we have experienced, and the adversity in our lives, and He just wants us to have a generous attitude without worrying whether what we do is big or small.
We don’t need to go out of our way, travel to remote countries to help others in need, or do big acts of charity. It could be simply saying “Thank you” to the cashier despite feeling beaten up inside, that small act of appreciation with a smile might be just what the cashier needed after dealing with a difficult customer earlier. Just small acts of generosity can go a long way, perhaps you were kind to a stranger who unbeknownst to you had been dealing with suicidal thoughts and you made an impact big enough to change their lives just by simply being kind and gentle to them. Perhaps, you don’t have time to volunteer, but you send a $20 donation every month to a charity you care about. Nobody has to know, you don’t get credit for it, and it might not seem like much, but you are making a difference too.
Even when you think that you do nothing of value, little things that you do could have a greater impact on others than you imagined. A shoulder to cry, a much-needed hug, even the most seemingly inconsequential action could affect an entire city. Maybe you supervise employees, and just being kind and patient to them makes their day better and when they go home they can give more love and attention to their families because of this.
The point is, it isn’t our place to judge the value of our actions (or the actions of others) but to simply choose to do what is most loving, honest, courageous, and honest each day of our lives. If we only had enough strength today to be gentle towards someone else despite our inner pain, then, that’s all we could give today and that’s fine, it might have been the most beautiful thing that person received that day. Don’t underestimate the power of small acts of love. Good relationships are not built with one great act of love (sometimes, the worst relationships are founded on one great act, followed by nothing else), but are founded and maintained by a sequence of small little acts of love that make a huge difference.
The Christian Life is Full of Earthly Blessings
A lot of Christians seem to believe that if someone’s life isn’t blessed, or if their prayers aren’t answered, that this other person might be lacking in their faith, or that they are not sincere in their faith. I wonder if they would tell the same to the martyrs who have been persecuted (and still are in some areas of the world) who experience a Christian life full of challenges and suffering. Many of these people have more faith than a Christian who has been blessed greatly in this earthly life.
We need to understand that for God, life is what happens in eternity, and this temporary place is only a preparation for it. We need to have compassion towards others who struggle through life, and we also need to have compassion towards ourselves when it seems like life is too painful and that we have been abandoned by God. We might not understand, but one day we will, because everything will finally come to light when we are on the other side. Sometimes, all we need to know is that suffering is where virtue begins, and that our suffering will not be in vain, that we can transcend it, and that we can obtain great spiritual fruits out of it, that might not seem like much of a consolation in this world, but that we will keep with us for eternity and then, we might even wish to have endured more on this earth, so that we could have grown even more in spirit.